i love you

I have
a boyfriend who grew up with me. His name is Jin. I always thought of him as a
friend until last year, when we went to a trip from a club. I found that I fell
in love with him. Before that trip was over, I took a step and confessed my
love for him. And soon, we became a pair of lovers, but we loved each other in
different ways. I always concentrated on him only, but by his side, there were
so many other girls. To me, he was the only one, but to him, maybe I was just another
girl…


“Jin,
do you want to go watch a movie?” I asked.

“I can’t”

“Why? You need to study at home?” I felt disappointment grabbing me.

“No… I am going to meet a friend…”


He was
always like that. He met girls in front of me, like it was nothing. To him, I
was just a girlfriend. The word ‘love’ only came out from my mouth. Since I
knew him, I had never heard him say ‘I love you’ before. To us, there weren’t
any anniversaries at all. He didn’t say anything from the first day and it
continued till 100 days…200days… Every day, before we say goodbye, he would
just hand me a doll, everyday, without fail. I don’t know why…


Then
one day…


Me:
Um, Jin, I …

Jin: What…don’t drag, just say..

Me: I love you.

Jin: ……you….um, just take this doll and go home.

That was how he ignored my ‘three words’ and handed me the doll. Then he
disappeared, like he was running away. The dolls I received from him everyday,
filled my room, one by one. There were many…

Then one day came, my 15th year old birthday. When I got up in the morning, I
pictured a party with him, and stranded myself in my room, waiting for his
call. But… lunch passed, dinner passed… and soon the sky was dark… he still
didn’t call. It was already tiring to look at the phone anymore. Then around
2am in the morning, he suddenly called me and woke me from my sleep. He told me
to come out of the house. Still, I felt joy and I ran out happily.

Me: Jin…


Jin:
Here…take this…

Again, he handed me a little doll.

Me: What’s this?

Jin: I didn’t give it to you yesterday, so I am giving it to you now. I’m going
home now, bye.

Me: Wait, wait! Do you know what today is?

Jin: Today? Huh?

I felt so sad, I thought he would remember my birthday. He turned around and
walked away like nothing had happen.Then I shouted… “Wait…”

Jin: You have something to say?

Me: Tell me, tell me you love me…

Jin: What?!

Me: Tell me

I put my pathetic self behind and clung on to him. But he just said simple cold
words and left.

“I don’t want to say…that I love someone so easily, if you are desperate to
hear it, then find someone else.”

That was what he said. Then he ran off. My legs felt numb… and I collapsed to
the ground. He didn’t want to say it easily… How could he…. I felt that… Maybe
he is not the right guy for me…

After that day, I stranded myself at home crying, just crying. He didn’t call
me, although I was waiting. He just continued handing me a little doll every
morning outside my house. That’s how those dolls piled up in my room… everyday

PART 2

After a month, I got myself together
and went to school. But what made the pain resurface was that… I saw him on a
street… with another girl… He had a smile on his face, one that he never showed
me…as he touched the doll… I ran straight back home and looked at the dolls in
my room, and tears fell… Why did he gave these to me… Those dolls are probably
picked out by some other girls…In a fit of anger, I threw the dolls around.
Then suddenly, the phone rang. It was him. He told me to come out to the bus
stop outside my house. I tried to calm myself down and walked to the bus stop.
I kept reminding myself that I am going to forget him, that… it’s going to end.
Then he came into my sight, holding a big doll.

Jin: Jo, I thought you were pissed,
you really came?

I couldn’t help hating him, acting like nothing had happen and joking around.
Soon, he held out the doll as usual…

Me: I don’t need it. Jin: What….why…

I grabbed the doll from his hands and threw it on the road.

Me: I don’t need this doll, I don’t need it anymore!! I don’t want to see a
person like you again!

I spitted out all the words that were inside me. But unlike other days, his
eyes very shaking.

“I’m sorry” He apologized in a tiny voice. He then walked over to the road to
pick up the doll…

Me: You stupid! Why are you picking up the doll?! Just throw it away!!!

But he ignored me and just went to
pick the doll. Then…

Honk~ Honk~

With a loud honk, a big truck was heading towards him.

“Jin! Move! Move away!” I shouted… But he didn’t hear me, he squatted down and
picked up the doll.

“Jin, move!” HONK~!! “Boom!” That sound, so terrifying.

That’s how he went away from me. That’s how he went away without even opening
his eyes to say one word to me.

After that day, I had to go through everyday with guiltiness and the sadness of
losing him… And after spending two months like a crazy person… I took out the
dolls.

Those were the only gifts he left me
since the day we started going out. I remembered the days I spent with him and
started to count the days… when we were in love…

“One…two… three…” That was how… I
started to count the dolls…

“Four hundred and eighty four… four hundred and eighty five…” It all ended with
485 dolls.

I then started to cry again, with a doll in my arms. I hugged it tightly, then
suddenly…

“I love you~, I love you~” I dropped
the dolls,shocked.

“I….lo..ve…you??” I picked up the
dolls and pressed its stomach.

“I love you~ I love you~” It can’t be!
I pressed all the dolls’ stomach as it piled on the side.

“I love you~”

“I love you~”

“I love you~”

Those words came out non-stop. I…love you… Why didn’t I realize that….That his
heart was always by my side, protecting me. Why didn’t I realize that he love
me this much… I took out the doll under the bed and pressed it’s stomach, that
was the last doll, the one that fell on the road. It had his blood stain on it.
The voice came out, the on that I was missing so much…

“Jo…Do you know what today is? We’ve
been loving each other for 486 days. Do you know what 486 is? I couldn’t say I
love you…. Um… since I was too shy… If you forgive me and take this doll, I
will say that i

 love you

tears came flowing out of me. Why?
Why? I asked god, why do I only know about all this now? He can’t be by

my side, but he loved me until his
last minute…

For that… and for that reason… to me…
it became courage… to live a beautiful life.